Tragically Hip

really seeing

Thu, 12 Feb 2009 14:56:04 GMT

really seeing how right i always am with all these ridiculous journal entries. I can lie to myself as much as i want and the person who wrote all these entries can see through my bullshit. It is kind of sad in a way. To think I am over something, when clearly I have just buried it, buried you. This seems to be what I do quite often. So nothing ever goes away. Just like matter or energy, nothing really ever goes away it just goes somewhere else.

I am more dignified in myself. done wearing that heart on my sleeve and i think i really did that only for a second because after realizing everybody could get to it, i decided it was a bad idea. and man was it.

this is the thing that gets people: the grass is always greener. well the grass is always going to have the same problems grass has. and grass is still grass and not that much different anyway. just stop and think about all the times you have ruined something or dug the hole deeper by thinking: the grass is greener.

well what if you're stuck somewhere between green and green or brown and brown. more so brown and brown grass. then no way is good to go. so you just sit in the distance and try to choose someday.

I am happy that I only have a year and a half left here. I really don't believe I have found that person yet. Whatever person that may be. I do love my current person, but I really think it won't work out. I realized this last night and cried for awhile, while he did homework and you know it's ok because no one could stop it anyway.

When I realize there will be an end I get really sad for awhile. Such is life. I am sure someday I will be ok, but not today, not really.

an island-a heavy lid

Fri, 07 Sep 2007 03:20:33 GMT

i am so alone. i miss my boyfriend josh. this is the set-up sam, this will probably be the only journal entry for a long god damn time. i can only hope. Joshua Charles Barfuss- 23 Dominos. i love the motherfucker. i haven't seen him in 5 days and it is killing me. correct type. perfect type. sweetest manboy. i am alone here. i am the fucking wind. i am not seen. i am so fucked. i am dead. this is my choice. i'm sure.. right? right. i wish someone was there for me like i would be there for someone. i wish people would call me and ask me what i'm doing and ask me to do something. why do i have to seek these things out? i am not the most comfortable person with that shit. i am not. life always kills me. long distance. long distance romance.i have to get up at 7AM for the incoming freshmen. i am a jar with a heavy lid, my pop quiz kid, with feelings hid i beg her not to miss me.

Sun, 15 Apr 2007 23:26:56 GMT

fucking pudding cup. are you shitting me?

resolution

Sun, 15 Apr 2007 05:00:17 GMT

no more dan.
nope.
guitar hero with dan. yes.
but no more dan.

shit

Thu, 12 Apr 2007 04:01:42 GMT

i am so tired. so tired. of shit. boys' night out? wtf is that? is that something only married couples have to arrange? or is it some warped joke of a teenaged college boy? oh. what i wouldn't give for some companionship. for fucks sake.......

group hug confession useless talent number one

Sun, 08 Apr 2007 05:30:28 GMT

i got involved with this guy right into college because i always need someone.

someone to fuck, someone to love, someone.

me and this guy hit it off right away and ended up making out after the 5 hour conversation we had, that lasted until the wee hours of the morning.

i said to myself that i wouldn't get into a relationship and i told him i didn't want one, but after i spent more time with him and more time doing sexual acts with him the more i realized that i needed a relationship to continue all of it because i needed to "have" him, i needed to have security. i am so insecure.

i told him this while we were in an intimate situation. and he said yes, that i could have him. and the next night i go over to his dorm and we get high and he tells me that he thinks we rushed into things. . . let's just be friends.

so we try the friend thing, but i start a tickle fight during a movie and we end up fucking. and i had this rule of no fucking outside of a relationship, but no more. We fucked for a while until halloween, which was our last fuck. then he proceeded to avoid me for 2 months or 3.

I would always come back to my dorm high and see him on AIM and message him to see if he would talk to me... and one night in february he did. and i went over there and one thing led to another and we fucked, but he was drug and violent as hell... i think he fucked me because i told a friend of his that i wanted a closure fuck.

a few days later i messaged him and he said he was gonna call and say sorry for the other night and he told me he wouldnt ever do it again because it didnt feel right... FUCK THAT SHIT.

so almost 2 months pass and i get high again and talk to him on AIM, he can't sleep and i said i'd go over there. he said sure. we both knew what was going to happen. i keep to myself for about a hour and then he starts rubbing my arm, so it's on. we make out and then fuck in the shower in the dark. the last time we fucked i was cold and detached, this time i kissed him like i liked it.. and i did like it. i do like him, i can't get over it. i want to fuck the shit out of him as well as love him and care about him and help him not be so fickle and depressed and underappreciated all the time. i could love him. if he wanted. after we fucked i laid on his bed with only a towel on and we hung out until 6 AM. i said that he shouldnt be so harsh to me and he said he didn't think he was, and i said we should do what we were doing more and why don't we? he said it's not something he thinks we should be doing all the time. i said it wasn't fair because everytime i see him i think about how much i want to fuck him. i told him how much i loved sucking his cock. he wanted to fuck me without a condom and i said, ok, but you can't be a asshole anymore. and we fucked for awhile unprotected.. a day later we hung out and played guitar hero. no sex. no nothing. hanging out.

i don't know if he's just using me or is this a second chance? i did scare him off to begin with. i did. i feel like this could be a situation where a year from now i can't believe how everything worked out. i am not usually an optimist, but i sware that i will spend the 2 remanding years that he is here trying to get him and keep going around in this vicious circle.

am i self-destructive?

i can't talk to him. i will not. i got someone back home i can fuck and i like him alright, although he does too much drugs and he lacks personality, but he's the kind of hot that makes you want to tie him up and do things that you wouldn't do to anyone.

i wish someone would just love me for a change. try to love me. or get me. or try. i guess i'm just a difficult person. i wish i could just get past this guy. wishes never come true... college is emotionally straining. if i could just maintain a steady fucking patern with this guy it would be alright.. it would be alright. as long as i had him for a while, for a few days a week. a few hours a night. his eyes on me while kissing.. eyes open. toungue shoved into my mouth.

this guy does not know what i could give him.. sexually, emotionally... i could fill him up. i hate being this romantic. i hate being this sap. i wish i could read minds.

this will never be resolved.

silly me

Sat, 13 Jan 2007 10:11:20 GMT

somehow i work it out in my head that rereading someone's myspace/facebook profile will make something happen or make me have an epiphany, but i'm just dumb. i shouldn't really be getting involved with a klepto anyways. . . a hot klepto. i need sex. i can't wait until spring break.. i need it. god damn.

much un-needed <3's for paul

kill me.

Wed, 13 Dec 2006 03:43:32 GMT

So i'm sitting here listening to music while other things are slowly going downhill. .. . very slowly.. . like why can't something horribly drastic happen? not just slow rolling to my death? i'm sure all will be alright, once i'm in the right mind set. i feel like i'm a loser sitting here at this computer and waiting for people to call me. o man. sucks.

Tue, 10 Oct 2006 15:01:50 GMT

is reinventing yourself that difficult? i feel like i could slip into my old self at anytime. it's depressing. i feel like i need to keep conquering or something and cut all contact with others. cut my losses. life would be simple then. very simple. i'm listening to this mix tape i made. its making me depressed. i hope the guy likes it. pathetic. here. really. i need to be ok. i need to be an asshole and i need to stay fine and focused and funny and quarky and all those things that people treasure in others. i need to be myself. unique and un corrupted. unafraid and comfortable. im fucked.

pathetic

Sat, 07 Oct 2006 04:55:04 GMT

i feel like writing and this is my only outlet.

i am pathetic. i am addicted. i cant get it out of my head. im tired, but i feel like if i sleep ill be missing something. tomorrow will be better? my brother's coming, but i won't get my fix until sunday night maybe. its stupid. this has only been up for 3 days. i mean come the fuck on. but im sad. i dont know. im becoming attached. why cant i just stay single. what is up with this shit? i feel like im waiting forever. whatever. my time will come soon enough. i think i'm gonna go out in the freezing cold right now. and sit. and freeze. just to take me away from this depressing normalcy. i hate when i dont get what i want. jesus. and yea im in love with an android, but so what?

i hate people, they hate me

Wed, 25 May 2005 02:32:39 GMT

i always wonder why these people do me wrong.. persay. my friend justin said i was an aquired taste. and rob was right when he said i have no passion for people.. i really do hate many people. not because i'm self righteous.. or maybe i am but its not something i would admit to. but people, in general, suck. there are, however, a few select individuals that i can tolerate. not tolerate.. enjoy, rather. i miss all the people i enjoy.. really.. and some are gone away for a long time but i still enjoy them just the same and i wish i could keep in touch with them all and have long lasting bonds.. i'm super cheese. seriously. so the last days of junior year are here and i just have to say from zachary (the egotistical drag queen) - to philip (the liar) to ian.. the sweetest man i've ever met.. this year has been A.O.K.

PEOPLE I ENJOY THAT I CAN THINK OF RIGHT NOW

IAN MCALLISTER
A JOE
BRITNEY JAROMIN
ERIN GINTER
BILLIE JO HOFFMAN
RICHARD EDWARD OAKES JR.
PHILLIP ALLEN
RYAN FETTER
JUSTIN ALLEN
ROB
BILLY METTS - i don't know why i can't let it go
BRANDON VOSS
MY BROTHER - DAVID
SARA WELDY
J.P. MORGAN - little doses
BECCA MARTH
TORI MEDDLEY
LAUREN ROSE
JUSTIN FENNER

Wed, 20 Apr 2005 22:13:01 GMT

today is just tired and sad and i have nothing to do.. ever. i'm so lonely. i hate being here. i hate me. it's just a sad day today.

Ian Mcallister.

Sat, 09 Apr 2005 17:36:42 GMT

here it goes. zach ... no good... philip...no good.... robbie-- psycho... super psycho. ian=awesomeness. tomorrow could be devestating or... really frikkin awesome. depends on if he says no, i'd rather not. or hell yes. the suspense is killing me. but i'm looking at it for the worst. . anyway. so getting shot down won't be that hard on me. man, i would cry my eyes out so much and so long and hard right in front of him. but i would never tell him that. because he doesnt like hurting people. i think it's horrible.. i think him telling me last night that he was going to tell me today.. means it's horrible news.. what else could it be? and while i was in the car with ian and matt. we were listening to a CD that ian's "friend" heather made and this song and this lyric just kills me. "hunger hurts and i want him soooo bad, oh it kills" -fiona apple "paper bag" it's funny listening to others' mix CDs and how much you can get from it... and i'm jealous of this girl.. she makes one bad ass mix CD of stuff i haven't even thought of listening to.. but maybe i'll learn. no one reads this... so i guess this is for memories sake. the whole point of this is to say i want ian to be mine.. in a sense.. bf.gf. deal. but i dont think it's going to happen.. i have my doubts and its gonna hurt so much if so.. because we already act like it. and i cant very well go on acting like it if he says no.. .can i? it's tricky.. and so are mix CDs.

cuz i'm a rocka

Sat, 16 Oct 2004 06:35:35 GMT

i'm really happy. everything i've wanted in a person i have gotten in zach. he's such a great person. intellectual, interesting, romantic. so nice. he's beautiful. i'm really sad that craig's mom died. he can't be doing well at all :( :( poor craig. i havent talked to rick in a while...... IM STILL WONDERING WHO THAT IS THAT'S WRITING IN MY LIVEJOURNAL... PLZ TELL ME.... I NEED TO KNOW. . AAHAHHHHAHAHHA. anywho. everyone should go to the skoundrals show at echo's on the 30th. i dig zach. . . . alot. so into him. 1 month has just passed.. which was 10/14/04... tonight.. halloween extravaganza.. bitches. i need to talk to rick . i'm not sure if it will go over well. i kind feel slightly bad that i havent visited him. i just havent had the chance. and now that i have zach. i dont think it would be all that wise. not that i would cheat on zach or anything . just that i dont know. i dont know . TELL ME WHO YOU ARE ... BANDIT...AH.

Sat, 16 Oct 2004 06:06:22 GMT

well who are you? i would like to know. i'm not mad - just very curious as to who you are. tell me!! ah

Fri, 15 Oct 2004 07:18:56 GMT

whoa.. who wrote that?????????????

Sun, 10 Oct 2004 02:58:04 GMT

I just want to apologize... I've been a jerk but im glad that you're finally happy.

the dead end kids .. ...... by me

Mon, 04 Oct 2004 02:34:29 GMT

we're the dead end kids. we'll stay out all night. we're the dead end kids. you'll run off in fright. the dead end kids will kill your babysitter. smear the blood thicker. we're the dead end kids! we'll take your ciggarettes. the dead end kids. do things they wont regret. the dead end kids are coming your way. with music from the UK! and too much hairspray! they'll walk into your house at night and you wont be the wiser. theyll turn you into one of them. kill your supervisor!!! the dead end kids! dropping out of school. the dead end kids - they're so cool. i wish i was one of them. so i could be real mean. and kill some cops and operators - o i wish that was me. the dead end kids! what your waiting for. the dead end kids! knocking at your door. .. the dead end kids . like to drink rum and coke or vodka on the rocks. they dont care about politics or the rising stock. the dead end kids. dig all kinds of stuff. like rocky horror picture show or a little bit of snuff. the dead end kids. walking down the street. they're the rapists and the pedofyles. o i wish that was me. the dead end kids. you can't escape . choose your fate. the dead end kids like to yell and cuss. they'll fill your blood with alcohol and teach you how to steal. the dead end kids. they dont care at all. theyll infect your soul. no illegal act is too small. the dead end kids. the kids i wanna be. the dead end kids. come kidnap me.

Fri, 24 Sep 2004 02:43:18 GMT

my hair is purple now. i am super content with my life right now. i've got the perfect boyfriend . well perfect for now.

Wed, 15 Sep 2004 00:43:32 GMT

i have a boyfriend now. guess who

im in awe.

Tue, 14 Sep 2004 00:44:19 GMT

o, no.. i've never met anyone quite like you before.

FUCK!

Sun, 12 Sep 2004 05:41:51 GMT

i hope someone reads this.

i hate all you fuckers

i hate when people blow you off. no matter what they say.
someone got my hopes up saturday. i was so stoked about seeing him and spending the whole day with him . no commiseration.. none. fuck him . he made me all emo . i'm so tired of the world and sorry excuses. sad sorry excuses. why can't people be straight with me? i sware everything would go smoothly. everything would be dandy and grand. and all those other positive adjectives. totally blew me off. i dont think i ever want to see him again. not now anyways.

and then there's another.
who hasn't made up his mind. everything is a mystery to me . what he does. what he says. he's so great, funny, cute, and unbelievable. i want to go out with him .

and another
this kid cuddles like nobody's business.
lots in common. so confused.

so confused about everyone.
the world is so god damn dissapointing - when you feel like everything's against you . and people dont call. they show up else where but nowhere near you . they play it off like everything's the same. like they never did anything . to make you this way. so vague . i wait for everyone to grow up . or have some common decency. it'll never happen it's always just me. i wish i knew everything - so i wouldnt have to deal with frivilious things. like waiting for someone to make up their mind. that especially, makes me want to die. i'll wait forever. my perpetual flaw. i'm so gullable. i'll believe anything you say. just wait for me to hang up . then you can say how much of a physco i am. i assume the worse. when everyone could be thinking great things. no one understands me ... but it's all for the best. i sit and wonder if they'll ever notice, but i doubt they will . they're too absorbed . too unfocused. i'm so unloved. not one will even notice.

Wed, 08 Sep 2004 02:43:27 GMT

RICK IS THE BIGGEST HYPOCRITE EVER.. WELL, MAYBE NOT THE BIGGEST . .BUT BIG ENOUGH FOR ME TO WRITE THIS ENTRY.. I WILL TALK TO HIM SOON ABOUT THIS.. FUCK.

Tue, 07 Sep 2004 01:37:23 GMT

3 day weekend. was. interesting. very. bowling. downtown. stuff.

Sun, 05 Sep 2004 16:58:39 GMT

and it would seem so . how feelings grow. as we look to one another. i cant help but smile. a nice chance to be with someone thats worth my while. so insync .. continiously mumbling . under your breath . i wonder what you just said. but it doesnt bother me . neither does your control over me. such a nice one. i would ask to keep you . if you knew me would you? such excitement. no inditement. i cant stop laughing . i never knew one person could contain all that mattered. hopefully there wont be a disaster. and everything will work out for the best. im getting ahead of myself. even though its out. i dont wanna be too painfully retarded. retarded over you . so beautifully construed. i wish for something that is far away . i fancy the one i do. with good intentions all around. i continue to lay on the ground and wait for your call.