| | Current Music: | Fuck This...I'm Leaving - American Analog Set | | Current Location: | Quiet Dorm Room | | Subject: | really seeing | | Time: | 09:48 am | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/neko/kaokitty/discontent.gif) discontent |
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| really seeing how right i always am with all these ridiculous journal entries. I can lie to myself as much as i want and the person who wrote all these entries can see through my bullshit. It is kind of sad in a way. To think I am over something, when clearly I have just buried it, buried you. This seems to be what I do quite often. So nothing ever goes away. Just like matter or energy, nothing really ever goes away it just goes somewhere else.
I am more dignified in myself. done wearing that heart on my sleeve and i think i really did that only for a second because after realizing everybody could get to it, i decided it was a bad idea. and man was it.
this is the thing that gets people: the grass is always greener. well the grass is always going to have the same problems grass has. and grass is still grass and not that much different anyway. just stop and think about all the times you have ruined something or dug the hole deeper by thinking: the grass is greener.
well what if you're stuck somewhere between green and green or brown and brown. more so brown and brown grass. then no way is good to go. so you just sit in the distance and try to choose someday.
I am happy that I only have a year and a half left here. I really don't believe I have found that person yet. Whatever person that may be. I do love my current person, but I really think it won't work out. I realized this last night and cried for awhile, while he did homework and you know it's ok because no one could stop it anyway.
When I realize there will be an end I get really sad for awhile. Such is life. I am sure someday I will be ok, but not today, not really. | comments: Leave a comment   |
| | i am so alone. i miss my boyfriend josh. this is the set-up sam, this will probably be the only journal entry for a long god damn time. i can only hope. Joshua Charles Barfuss- 23 Dominos. i love the motherfucker. i haven't seen him in 5 days and it is killing me. correct type. perfect type. sweetest manboy. i am alone here. i am the fucking wind. i am not seen. i am so fucked. i am dead. this is my choice. i'm sure.. right? right. i wish someone was there for me like i would be there for someone. i wish people would call me and ask me what i'm doing and ask me to do something. why do i have to seek these things out? i am not the most comfortable person with that shit. i am not. life always kills me. long distance. long distance romance.i have to get up at 7AM for the incoming freshmen. i am a jar with a heavy lid, my pop quiz kid, with feelings hid i beg her not to miss me. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| no more dan.
nope.
guitar hero with dan. yes.
but no more dan. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | i am so tired. so tired. of shit. boys' night out? wtf is that? is that something only married couples have to arrange? or is it some warped joke of a teenaged college boy? oh. what i wouldn't give for some companionship. for fucks sake....... | | comments: Leave a comment |
| i got involved with this guy right into college because i always need someone.
someone to fuck, someone to love, someone.
me and this guy hit it off right away and ended up making out after the 5 hour conversation we had, that lasted until the wee hours of the morning.
i said to myself that i wouldn't get into a relationship and i told him i didn't want one, but after i spent more time with him and more time doing sexual acts with him the more i realized that i needed a relationship to continue all of it because i needed to "have" him, i needed to have security. i am so insecure.
i told him this while we were in an intimate situation. and he said yes, that i could have him. and the next night i go over to his dorm and we get high and he tells me that he thinks we rushed into things. . . let's just be friends.
so we try the friend thing, but i start a tickle fight during a movie and we end up fucking. and i had this rule of no fucking outside of a relationship, but no more. We fucked for a while until halloween, which was our last fuck. then he proceeded to avoid me for 2 months or 3.
I would always come back to my dorm high and see him on AIM and message him to see if he would talk to me... and one night in february he did. and i went over there and one thing led to another and we fucked, but he was drug and violent as hell... i think he fucked me because i told a friend of his that i wanted a closure fuck.
a few days later i messaged him and he said he was gonna call and say sorry for the other night and he told me he wouldnt ever do it again because it didnt feel right... FUCK THAT SHIT.
so almost 2 months pass and i get high again and talk to him on AIM, he can't sleep and i said i'd go over there. he said sure. we both knew what was going to happen. i keep to myself for about a hour and then he starts rubbing my arm, so it's on. we make out and then fuck in the shower in the dark. the last time we fucked i was cold and detached, this time i kissed him like i liked it.. and i did like it. i do like him, i can't get over it. i want to fuck the shit out of him as well as love him and care about him and help him not be so fickle and depressed and underappreciated all the time. i could love him. if he wanted. after we fucked i laid on his bed with only a towel on and we hung out until 6 AM. i said that he shouldnt be so harsh to me and he said he didn't think he was, and i said we should do what we were doing more and why don't we? he said it's not something he thinks we should be doing all the time. i said it wasn't fair because everytime i see him i think about how much i want to fuck him. i told him how much i loved sucking his cock. he wanted to fuck me without a condom and i said, ok, but you can't be a asshole anymore. and we fucked for awhile unprotected.. a day later we hung out and played guitar hero. no sex. no nothing. hanging out.
i don't know if he's just using me or is this a second chance? i did scare him off to begin with. i did. i feel like this could be a situation where a year from now i can't believe how everything worked out. i am not usually an optimist, but i sware that i will spend the 2 remanding years that he is here trying to get him and keep going around in this vicious circle.
am i self-destructive?
i can't talk to him. i will not. i got someone back home i can fuck and i like him alright, although he does too much drugs and he lacks personality, but he's the kind of hot that makes you want to tie him up and do things that you wouldn't do to anyone.
i wish someone would just love me for a change. try to love me. or get me. or try. i guess i'm just a difficult person. i wish i could just get past this guy. wishes never come true... college is emotionally straining. if i could just maintain a steady fucking patern with this guy it would be alright.. it would be alright. as long as i had him for a while, for a few days a week. a few hours a night. his eyes on me while kissing.. eyes open. toungue shoved into my mouth.
this guy does not know what i could give him.. sexually, emotionally... i could fill him up. i hate being this romantic. i hate being this sap. i wish i could read minds.
this will never be resolved. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| somehow i work it out in my head that rereading someone's myspace/facebook profile will make something happen or make me have an epiphany, but i'm just dumb. i shouldn't really be getting involved with a klepto anyways. . . a hot klepto. i need sex. i can't wait until spring break.. i need it. god damn.
much un-needed <3's for paul
kill me. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | So i'm sitting here listening to music while other things are slowly going downhill. .. . very slowly.. . like why can't something horribly drastic happen? not just slow rolling to my death? i'm sure all will be alright, once i'm in the right mind set. i feel like i'm a loser sitting here at this computer and waiting for people to call me. o man. sucks. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | SAy Hi To Your Mom | | Time: | 10:58 am |
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| | is reinventing yourself that difficult? i feel like i could slip into my old self at anytime. it's depressing. i feel like i need to keep conquering or something and cut all contact with others. cut my losses. life would be simple then. very simple. i'm listening to this mix tape i made. its making me depressed. i hope the guy likes it. pathetic. here. really. i need to be ok. i need to be an asshole and i need to stay fine and focused and funny and quarky and all those things that people treasure in others. i need to be myself. unique and un corrupted. unafraid and comfortable. im fucked. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | Say Hi To Your Mom | | Current Location: | Winston-Salem | | Subject: | pathetic | | Time: | 12:50 am | | Current Mood: | discontent |
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| i feel like writing and this is my only outlet.
i am pathetic. i am addicted. i cant get it out of my head. im tired, but i feel like if i sleep ill be missing something. tomorrow will be better? my brother's coming, but i won't get my fix until sunday night maybe. its stupid. this has only been up for 3 days. i mean come the fuck on. but im sad. i dont know. im becoming attached. why cant i just stay single. what is up with this shit? i feel like im waiting forever. whatever. my time will come soon enough. i think i'm gonna go out in the freezing cold right now. and sit. and freeze. just to take me away from this depressing normalcy. i hate when i dont get what i want. jesus. and yea im in love with an android, but so what? | | comments: Leave a comment |
| i always wonder why these people do me wrong.. persay. my friend justin said i was an aquired taste. and rob was right when he said i have no passion for people.. i really do hate many people. not because i'm self righteous.. or maybe i am but its not something i would admit to. but people, in general, suck. there are, however, a few select individuals that i can tolerate. not tolerate.. enjoy, rather. i miss all the people i enjoy.. really.. and some are gone away for a long time but i still enjoy them just the same and i wish i could keep in touch with them all and have long lasting bonds.. i'm super cheese. seriously. so the last days of junior year are here and i just have to say from zachary (the egotistical drag queen) - to philip (the liar) to ian.. the sweetest man i've ever met.. this year has been A.O.K.
PEOPLE I ENJOY THAT I CAN THINK OF RIGHT NOW
IAN MCALLISTER
A JOE
BRITNEY JAROMIN
ERIN GINTER
BILLIE JO HOFFMAN
RICHARD EDWARD OAKES JR.
PHILLIP ALLEN
RYAN FETTER
JUSTIN ALLEN
ROB
BILLY METTS - i don't know why i can't let it go
BRANDON VOSS
MY BROTHER - DAVID
SARA WELDY
J.P. MORGAN - little doses
BECCA MARTH
TORI MEDDLEY
LAUREN ROSE
JUSTIN FENNER | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | some emo shit | | Time: | 06:12 pm | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/neko/kaokitty/depressed.gif) depressed |
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| | today is just tired and sad and i have nothing to do.. ever. i'm so lonely. i hate being here. i hate me. it's just a sad day today. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | fiona apple "paperbag" | | Subject: | Ian Mcallister. | | Time: | 01:25 pm | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/neko/kaokitty/crushed.gif) crushed |
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| | here it goes. zach ... no good... philip...no good.... robbie-- psycho... super psycho. ian=awesomeness. tomorrow could be devestating or... really frikkin awesome. depends on if he says no, i'd rather not. or hell yes. the suspense is killing me. but i'm looking at it for the worst. . anyway. so getting shot down won't be that hard on me. man, i would cry my eyes out so much and so long and hard right in front of him. but i would never tell him that. because he doesnt like hurting people. i think it's horrible.. i think him telling me last night that he was going to tell me today.. means it's horrible news.. what else could it be? and while i was in the car with ian and matt. we were listening to a CD that ian's "friend" heather made and this song and this lyric just kills me. "hunger hurts and i want him soooo bad, oh it kills" -fiona apple "paper bag" it's funny listening to others' mix CDs and how much you can get from it... and i'm jealous of this girl.. she makes one bad ass mix CD of stuff i haven't even thought of listening to.. but maybe i'll learn. no one reads this... so i guess this is for memories sake. the whole point of this is to say i want ian to be mine.. in a sense.. bf.gf. deal. but i dont think it's going to happen.. i have my doubts and its gonna hurt so much if so.. because we already act like it. and i cant very well go on acting like it if he says no.. .can i? it's tricky.. and so are mix CDs. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | Anti-nowhere league | | Subject: | cuz i'm a rocka | | Time: | 02:31 am | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/neko/kaokitty/chipper.gif) chipper |
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| | i'm really happy. everything i've wanted in a person i have gotten in zach. he's such a great person. intellectual, interesting, romantic. so nice. he's beautiful. i'm really sad that craig's mom died. he can't be doing well at all :( :( poor craig. i havent talked to rick in a while...... IM STILL WONDERING WHO THAT IS THAT'S WRITING IN MY LIVEJOURNAL... PLZ TELL ME.... I NEED TO KNOW. . AAHAHHHHAHAHHA. anywho. everyone should go to the skoundrals show at echo's on the 30th. i dig zach. . . . alot. so into him. 1 month has just passed.. which was 10/14/04... tonight.. halloween extravaganza.. bitches. i need to talk to rick . i'm not sure if it will go over well. i kind feel slightly bad that i havent visited him. i just havent had the chance. and now that i have zach. i dont think it would be all that wise. not that i would cheat on zach or anything . just that i dont know. i dont know . TELL ME WHO YOU ARE ... BANDIT...AH. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | "ball and chain" - Social D | | Time: | 02:05 am | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/neko/kaokitty/confused.gif) confused |
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| | well who are you? i would like to know. i'm not mad - just very curious as to who you are. tell me!! ah | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | I just want to apologize... I've been a jerk but im glad that you're finally happy. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | we're the dead end kids. we'll stay out all night. we're the dead end kids. you'll run off in fright. the dead end kids will kill your babysitter. smear the blood thicker. we're the dead end kids! we'll take your ciggarettes. the dead end kids. do things they wont regret. the dead end kids are coming your way. with music from the UK! and too much hairspray! they'll walk into your house at night and you wont be the wiser. theyll turn you into one of them. kill your supervisor!!! the dead end kids! dropping out of school. the dead end kids - they're so cool. i wish i was one of them. so i could be real mean. and kill some cops and operators - o i wish that was me. the dead end kids! what your waiting for. the dead end kids! knocking at your door. .. the dead end kids . like to drink rum and coke or vodka on the rocks. they dont care about politics or the rising stock. the dead end kids. dig all kinds of stuff. like rocky horror picture show or a little bit of snuff. the dead end kids. walking down the street. they're the rapists and the pedofyles. o i wish that was me. the dead end kids. you can't escape . choose your fate. the dead end kids like to yell and cuss. they'll fill your blood with alcohol and teach you how to steal. the dead end kids. they dont care at all. theyll infect your soul. no illegal act is too small. the dead end kids. the kids i wanna be. the dead end kids. come kidnap me. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | THE CLASH | | Time: | 10:41 pm | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/neko/kaokitty/loved.gif) falling |
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| | my hair is purple now. i am super content with my life right now. i've got the perfect boyfriend . well perfect for now. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
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